Wouldn't it be great if people got a book on the day of their marriage that contains the recipe for a successful relationship?
However, that's a shot in the dark since your marriage doesn't have to be perfect to be successful.
Whether you've been together with the love of your life for decades, or you're still reeling from your honeymoon glow, it's important to remember that all marriages experience their fair share of ups and downs.
After all, marriage IS work. Here are some ways you can foster a healthy marriage.
What Makes a Marriage Successful?
Although every married couple’s situation and dynamics are unique, what makes a marriage successful remains the same.
A successful marriage is characterized by tolerance, understanding, and good communication between two people.
When you are part of a marriage, you must be able to embrace these things and the responsibilities that come with your role.
Considering all the things mentioned above, one more thing that makes a marriage successful is unconditional love.
Nobody is perfect, not even your partner, and so you must love them unconditionally to be able to understand their flaws.
Elements of a Strong & Successful Marriage
The following are the different characteristics of a healthy and successful marriage.
1. Communication and forgiveness: the two pillars of a healthy relationship
Unsurprisingly, 43% of mental health professionals say that the inability to resolve conflict is one of the most common factors that lead to divorce.1
Respectful communication means not being petty and trying to get even.
When you marry someone, you must accept them for who they are, not who you want them to be.
Disagreeing with your spouse is completely normal.
It is a sign of a healthy relationship.
However, do not fight like high schoolers.
This means not giving them the silent treatment, bringing up past mistakes, or repeatedly arguing over the same issues.
If you have children or want one, think about how you'd like your child to act in their future marriage.
When there is respectful communication in your marriage, forgiveness will follow.
You may think you and your spouse have so many things in common, but the truth is, you are bound to have major differences.
Rather than seeing these issues as a point of contention, use them as an opportunity to learn from each other.
The core of every marriage is your commitment to your spouse.
This means you should be dedicated to keeping your marriage strong.
All couples start their marriage with a strong sense of commitment. However, this may dwindle in time.
What many people don't realize is that commitment is not automatic. It takes continual energy, action, thought, and time.
When you exercise forgiveness in your marriage, you will be released from being controlled by your anger.
There are three types of commitment that should be present in a marriage2, as developed by Dr. Michael Johnson, a sociology professor at Penn State University:
- Personal commitment, where you say, “I want to keep my marriage healthy.”
- Moral commitment, where you say, “I made a vow to keep my commitment to this marriage.”
- Structural commitment, where you say, “I have to stay in the marriage because of my kids.”
3. Intimacy is much more than just sex
When married people hear the word intimacy, the first thing they may think of is sex.
However, intimacy goes beyond that.
Half of the people engaged in a serious relationship have sex less than once a week.3
Intimacy means being open and honest with your partner, which means being willing to show vulnerability.
Four types of intimacy should be present in a marriage:
- Emotional intimacy is where you are comfortable sharing good and bad feelings with your partner, such as feeling insecure about certain things.
- Intellectual intimacy, where you are comfortable sharing your opinions and ideas, such as discussing views on politics even if you vote for different parties.
- Sexual intimacy is where you and your partner engage in sexual or sensual activities such as kissing, hugging, or even holding hands.
- Experiential intimacy, or when you and your partner bond by doing daily activities like sharing a meal.
4. Lack of abuse and violence
In successful marriages, violence and aggression should never be used to control your spouse.
This is not just limited to physical but also emotional, verbal, economic, and sexual abuse.
Unfortunately, 13% to 61% of women have experienced physical violence by a partner.4
Although conflict is a normal part of marriage, it should be solved through resolution.
Many women still stay despite experiencing domestic abuse due to fear.
If you are experiencing this, do not be afraid to seek help for yourself and your children.
5. Quality time is intentional
These days, it's almost impossible to disconnect from people you love, thanks to social media platforms.
But because of life's fast pace, some of the essential things in your marriage may slip through the cracks.
Days may pass without talking to your spouse or sharing an intimate moment with them.
The truth is:
Quality time is intentional.
It requires planning because it rarely happens if you leave it to chance.
Be committed to finding quality time, whether you want to spend a couple of minutes together each day, a weekend away each month, or a date night per week.
Do not try to cover the lack of quality time with material things because that is a recipe for lower marital satisfaction.5
After all, the most important things in a marriage, such as quality time, cannot be bought.
Healthy Marriage Checklist
Marriage is more than just wearing a beautiful gown and tux and saying “I do.”
It takes a lot of work to follow through with your marital responsibilities.
It turns out checklists are not just beneficial in the grocery. You can also follow a checklist to ensure you stay track of keeping your marriage healthy.
Here's a list to guide you:
1. Sit and resolve issues
Every married couple you know argues and has misunderstandings. But shockingly, 69% of marital conflicts are not resolved.6
It is essential to open your communication flow by sitting down and resolving issues instead of letting them spiral into something bigger.
If you don't agree on something, learn to compromise and respect each other's views.
2. Support each other
Despite being married, you should still work on your personal goals and encourage your partner as well.
More women than men adjust their careers to accommodate family life, and if this is true for your marriage, don't forget to acknowledge your wife's sacrifices.7
Motivating each other and assuring your partner that they have your support is key.
This will make them more confident in their ability to accomplish something.
3. Show your partner you love them
Love is the most common reason for marriage, so it's a no-brainer to show your spouse you love them.8
This may be a kiss, a hug, a nice home-cooked meal, or saying “I love you.”
Showing your partner you love them may seem obvious, but you'd be surprised at how many couples forget to do so.
Letting your partner know you love them even after years of marriage will make them feel special.
If you fail to do this, you may have the dynamics of roommates.
4. Treat your spouse like your best friend
When you treat your spouse like your best friend, your marriage can increase your well-being.9
Do you remember how much spark your relationship had in your first months as a couple?
That spark doesn't have to wear off after saying your vows.
If you pass by a flower shop, pick up a rose for your wife on your way home (if she's into that).
If you recall your wife mentioning a new restaurant in town, surprise her with a reservation.
5. Lower your voice
Have you ever found yourself shouting at your partner due to frustration or lack of confidence?10
Every time you feel the urge to increase the intensity of your voice, remember that this will not do you or your partner any good.
Instead, lower your voice and try to deliver your point directly.
This will help you avoid saying things that you will regret.
Focus on the current problem and do not attack your spouse's character or bring up past issues.
6. Make time for yourself
Marriage is not just about spending time with your partner 24/7. After all, you can't pour from an empty cup.
Take time to recharge and enjoy your personal and professional interests.
Follow the 8 areas of self-care by practicing mindfulness, learning new skills, reflecting on your feelings, or doing any activity that makes you happy.11
7. Know your partner's love language
Everyone has their language of love.
By taking time to know your spouse's hobbies and preferences, you can make them feel valued.12
This could be picking them up from work, saying they look beautiful, or planning a date, among many others.
You might also like: What Are the 5 love languages (By Gary Chapman)?
8. Forget about your phone
Twenty percent of couples reported that the internet had a negative impact on their marriage.
Whether you want to snuggle up and watch a movie or head to your favorite restaurant, make sure you are free of distractions.
9. Compliment your spouse
When you're with someone for years, you may think there's no need to say compliments.
However, acknowledging their positive attributes will go a long way.
Men need affirmations most, and those who don't feel affirmed by their wives are twice as likely to divorce compared to those who did.14
10. Stop nagging
Even if you are in a good marriage, you may still feel jealous or taken for granted.
However, jealousy decreases the satisfaction of marriage, especially in men.15
If you feel the need to control your partner, try to be rational.
Calmly open up to your partner about your feelings and see how you can meet each other's expectations.
11. Don't make threats
Considering 50 percent of marriages in the US end in divorce, many people think it is normal.
However, you don't have to be a part of that statistics.16
Couples who threaten their partner to get a divorce during fights are more likely to pull the trigger.
If you are committed to making your marriage work, do not mention divorce when you go through a difficult period.
Instead of saying you will leave them, try to look for ways to work together.
Treat a crisis like a storm.
No matter how scary it is, it is only temporary.
12. Remember what attracted you to your spouse
Humor is one of the major drivers of romantic attraction.17
13. Stay faithful
Infidelity is one of the most common causes of divorce.18
Cheating is usually driven by deeper problems in the marriage.
One of the best tips to stay faithful is to avoid potential traps that lead you to become unfaithful such as confiding your marriage problems to someone you are attracted to.
How to Have a Successful Marriage
Building a successful marriage doesn't happen overnight; it takes consistent effort, understanding, and love.
This guide will walk you through the essential elements that contribute to a thriving, fulfilling marital relationship.
Healthy Communication in Marriage
Good communication is the backbone of successful marriages. It's about more than just talking; it's about how we talk and listen.
Avoid harsh words and replace them with respect and compromise.
Focus on expressing your feelings honestly but kindly. Listening, on the other hand, should be done actively and empathetically.
Research shows that couples who communicate effectively are more likely to have a happy marriage.
Strategies for improving communication skills:
- Discuss: Set aside dedicated time to talk. Daily chats about your day, future goals, or even mundane topics can fortify a good relationship.
- Communicate effectively: Use 'I' statements instead of 'you' statements to avoid blaming your spouse. For instance, instead of saying, "You never help with the kids," say, "I feel overwhelmed and could use help with the kids."
- Active listening: Show your spouse that you're engaged in the conversation. Nod, maintain eye contact, and respond appropriately to show that you understand their perspective.
Shared Values and Goals
Shared values and goals are the qualities that ensure married couples live happily, as they promote understanding and mutual respect.
Discussing your personal and shared ambitions can help you align on the direction you want your relationship to take.
How to identify and align on shared goals:
- Discuss life goals: Talk openly about your individual aspirations and how they align with your shared future. It could be about your career, kids, or any other personal interests.
- Set shared goals: Whether it's buying a house, planning for retirement, or raising children, identify goals that you both wish to achieve together.
Conflict Resolution in a Healthy Marriage
Disagreements are bound to happen in relationships. What sets healthy marriages apart is how they resolve these disagreements.
Research shows that good conflict resolution can strengthen relationships.
Techniques for resolving disagreements and conflicts effectively:
- Practice empathy: Try to understand your spouse's perspective. This process promotes respect and avoids escalation.
- Compromise: Successful marriage requires give-and-take. Be willing to meet halfway to resolve disagreements.
- Take timeouts: When arguments heat up, take a break to cool down and collect your thoughts.
Maintaining Intimacy and Romance
Physical touch and quality time together are essential for keeping the spark alive in a marriage. They foster connection, reinforcing a happy marriage.
Practical tips for keeping the spark alive:
- Regular date nights: Scheduling regular date nights can bring fun and excitement to your relationship.
- Express affection: Small gestures of affection, like a hug or a kiss, can keep the intimacy alive.
- Surprise your spouse: Unexpected acts of kindness can bring joy and reinforce your bond.
Financial Management in Marriage
Money can be a significant stressor in relationships.
To have a successful marriage, couples must work together to manage their finances.
Strategies for effective financial planning and management:
- Budget together: Create a budget that includes your income, expenses, savings, and financial goals.
- Open communication about finances: Regularly discuss your financial situation. Transparency can prevent misunderstandings and conflicts.
- Joint decision-making: Make financial decisions together. This promotes unity and respect.
Continual Growth and Adaptation
Personal and relationship growth is hard work but it's essential for a successful marriage. This might involve adapting to new roles, like becoming parents or coping with major life changes.
How to support personal and relationship growth:
- Support each other's interests: Encourage your spouse to pursue their hobbies and interests. This respect for individuality can lead to personal growth and a healthier marriage.
- Adapt to changes together: Major life changes can stress relationships. Navigate these changes together, whether they involve kids, careers, or health issues.
- Continued learning: Educate yourselves about healthy relationships and apply these lessons to your marriage. This might involve reading books, attending workshops, or seeking counseling.
The Role of Forgiveness and Trust in a Healthy Marriage
Trust and forgiveness are cornerstones of a successful marriage. Married couples need to understand that everyone makes mistakes.
Being able to forgive your spouse and rebuild trust is key to a good relationship.
Ways to build trust and foster a culture of forgiveness in marriage:
- Honesty: Honesty builds trust. Be open about your feelings, thoughts, and actions with your spouse.
- Forgiveness: When mistakes happen, forgiveness is essential. Remember, forgiveness is a process and it can take time.
- Keep your promises: Do what you say you're going to do. This builds trust over time.
Having a successful marriage involves continual effort, patience, and mutual respect. Remember to communicate, have fun, and always support one another.
With time and hard work, you can nurture a happy marriage that lasts a lifetime.