Problems will never be solved through blaming.
Whether it's about forgetting to let your dog out or something major that can potentially cause a breakup.
Blame is so destructive that it strains your relationship and makes you resent each other.
To have a clearer picture of how blaming can harm your relationship and ways you can stop this cycle, I've compiled this guide for you.
What is Blame, and Why is it so Harmful?
Blame refers to shifting responsibility for a negative situation to someone else.
It’s using a person or situation as a scapegoat for a problem you have.
Many couples find themselves engaging in the blame game to resolve conflicts.
They start with a quarrel, which leads to pointing fingers, and eventually to resentment.
It seems like blaming is the best way to deal with your problems in the heat of the moment.
Many couples engage in this behavior because they think that the only way to feel better is to make the other feel worse than themselves.
But they fail to realize that it only exacerbates their problems.
But how dangerous is blaming in your relationship?
And most importantly, what are the problems that it can cause?
It prevents you from making meaningful changes in your life
Think about it this way:
Placing the responsibility for your failures on other people only shows that you're unwilling to work on your flaws.
This thinking is toxic and will eventually lead to a sense of entitlement.
This can make you see others as inferior and less capable than yourself.
And most importantly, you won’t see any reason to change.
It makes you powerless
You'll never feel like you have control over your life.
You won't trust your judgment and decisions because if something doesn't work out the way you want, you'll automatically think it's because of another person.
This will render you powerless because you won't know what to do.
You'll just keep blaming others for situations you could have avoided instead of taking responsibility of your actions.
You learn less and perform worse
You'll lose focus on the issue at hand when you blame someone else for your problems.
This prevents you from learning from your mistakes.
You'll never have the chance to improve yourself when you're always blaming your partner.
You’ll fail to acknowledge that you could have done something about the situation.
If you keep this up, you'll never achieve your full potential.
Blame is like a disease that will make you give up on yourself and your dreams.
It leads to decreased health and well-being
When you blame someone else, you'll only become stressed and anxious.
You'll develop a negative outlook on life, which will only put you in a worse position than you already are.
Your physical health will deteriorate due to stress.
This may manifest through migraines and insomnia.
Later, it will make way for depression and other stress-related health problems.
How to Stop Blame in a Relationship
Blaming is a bad habit that develops over time.
By learning how to stop blaming, you'll be able to save yourself and your relationship from the nasty effects it can cause.
1. Tell them exactly how you feel but without the need to justify it
It’s easy to become defensive and start looking for excuses when you're in a fight with your partner.
A great way to stop blaming without hurting your relationship is to tell them exactly how you feel.
Be sure to do this without making excuses or trying to justify your behavior.
Your goal is to make them understand the full extent of your feelings.
If you feel frustrated, simply say it point-blank - "I feel frustrated."
Don't try to prolong the sentence.
You may only end up saying things you'll regret.
2. Avoid putting them on the defensive by telling them what you want (instead of mentioning negatives or bringing up past examples)
Avoid saying sentences that begin with "You always..." or "You never...".
Generalizations don't work because they are not true.
Your partner will automatically be on the defensive side because they don't want to be considered a bad person.
Your goal is simply to explain what you want.
Show your partner that you're not trying to fight with them or tell them they're wrong.
3. Instead of complaining, make requests
Complaining is one of the culprits that can lead to blaming.
Make requests instead.
This will show that you're willing to work with your partner and not just use the relationship to vent your frustrations.
Instead of saying, "you never have time to go out with me anymore."
You can say:
"I would love to go out with you tonight."
You might even be surprised at how easily your partner will oblige to your request.
Be careful not to make requests that put them in a difficult position.
Choose reasonable requests that they can easily agree with.
This will make them feel that you're on their side and you simply want to make things better.
4. Hold off on retaliating too quickly
It's human to want to get back at someone after getting hurt.
But while it's tempting to get even, hold yourself back.
While you think it can make you feel better, the vicious cycle of blame and retaliation will only put your relationship at risk.
Hold off for a few hours whenever you feel the urge to retaliate.
Take a walk, try to meditate, or remove yourself from the situation.
Use this time to think about the situation in a rational manner.
So that your emotions won't take over.
Once you've taken some time off, ask your partner if they want to talk.
From here, try to stay calm and rational.
If you feel the conversation is becoming too aggressive, take a step back again.
5. Be empathetic to their side of the story
When you're in a relationship, it's not enough to be happy.
You also need to take an interest in how your partner feels.
Being empathetic is about accepting that your partner also has a valid opinion on the issue.
Try to get inside their mind and imagine what they're going through.
Ask yourself about your partner's perspective.
Why would they act the way that they do? What do they need or want?
If you’re in a screaming match, you might understand that they're not trying to be stubborn or hurt you on purpose.
They simply want to get their point across.
Whenever your partner is trying to explain their side of the story, don’t interrupt them.
Let them finish what they have to say, and don't be defensive when they're trying to explain their side.
Say something you don’t want to hear.
6. Stop cataloging all their mistakes
If you always think about your partner’s past mistakes, you'll make them feel like you're always on their case.
It's toxic because you'll always hold your partner at a distance.
"What is the purpose of blaming them for past occurrences?"
After all, you're in a relationship, not a competition or a debate match.
Don't remember past mistakes so that you can bring them up again in the future.
If you keep holding every mistake they've made against them, they'll feel like they're not good enough for you.
Think about how you can make things better.
Focus on your partner's strengths and how you can help each other reach your full potential in life.