His Secret Obsession By James Bauer Book Review (Update 2022)

You know that spark when you lay your eyes on him?

That spark turns to flirty conversation, butterflies in the stomach, dinner, and the rest is history. You guys live happily ever after… for 3 months. He lost interest.

And just like that, you also know the feeling of heartbreak. But why? 

That’s what James Bauer answers in his book His Secret Obsession, where he reveals the true secret to any man’s heart (the hero instinct).

Bauer makes it clear that it’s for those who are sick of the dying flames with every man you’re interested in.

You’ll get the most value from "His Secret Obsession" if you fit the following description: 

This book does an excellent job of highlighting men’s true desires and shows how you can learn to use them to capture their love and affection without being off-puttingly obvious.

So let’s get down and dirty with the book review so you can decide if it’s worth your time.

After giving it a thorough read, I think these are the top advantages that this book has to offer:

While His Secret Obsession was a smooth and insightful read for me, it doesn’t come without its drawbacks.

At its core, Bauer iterates that men have a hero instinct – which he lists as three drives:

1. a drive for meaningful achievement
2. the drive to be a provider
3. and the drive to be recognized and respected for it.

As a man, I can vouch for this idea.

Since I was old enough and started making money, I’ve always felt an innate responsibility over my loved ones.

Like they should be protected under my wings.

Even as a kid, I imagined myself in hypothetical scenarios where I’d take down the assailant at my school lockdowns or rescue my crush during the fire alarms.

So it does seem to be a deep-buried biological drive for men.

James breaks his book into two parts:

• Part I: How the hero instinct works
• Part II: How to use the signals (phrases + questions to use)

He essentially dedicates the modules to how you can feed this innate desire for heroism.

I like that Bauer summarizes his advice into listicles or bullets, which helped me identify the key takeaways.

Here he outlines what a woman does to maintain a successful and long-lasting relationship:

A nice thing I’ve also noticed is that Bauer calls on familiar and relatable examples like movie scenes from Saving Private Ryan to make his points (like above). 

Captain Miller was seriously injured when he was tasked with bringing Ryan home from the war.

In his dying breath, he made Ryan promise that he’d lead a productive and impactful life – this is something Ryan would remember and try to live up to forever. 

Bauer exemplified how Ryan’s wife helped him with the fear of not living up to Miller’s wishes by providing constant reassurance and validation, which was the key to Ryan’s self-satisfaction. 

That is to say, your opinion of your partner’s accomplishments goes a long way.

After all, women are often the only people we vulnerably confide in.

Not our boys. Not our parents. And most of us don’t have therapists. So, your word matters.

Below are some examples to give you an idea of the advice you could expect from His Secret Obsession.

1. The “Private Island” Signal

Bauer makes the point that you need to make your man feel like he’s the only one you can trust and depend on (triggering the hero instinct) as if you both were on a deserted island working to survive – where he hunts and kills for you. 

Bauer advises increasing proximity between the man and woman in the real world by “tapping into the things he is already fascinated with”.

One of the things men feel fascinated by is, you guessed it, being someone’s hero. 

The author provides some practical lines at different intensities, from asking what to get your brother for Christmas (to get input on what guys like) to asking him to hang out at the apartment while some guy off Craigslist comes to pick something up.

As a man, both of those small questions would make me feel like my opinion, and physical presence are valued and desired.

I would happily oblige to the small favors and spend time with her (which is your goal) when I see that she recognizes and appreciates my masculinity and that it’s helping her materially. 

2. Building Relationship Momentum

In Modules 7 and 8, Bauer explains that the secret currency to a happy relationship is progress and appreciation to bring feelings of meaning and purpose.

The author advises that women talk to their partners and develop a shared goal that allows them to provide, then tie themselves and the relationship to the outcome. 

In the book, Bauer gives the example of suggesting travel.

This is good because we’re naturally more protective in a foreign environment.

We’d pay for the dinners and hotel and are usually the guide for navigational purposes.

If your man wants to travel and learn more about the world, now you’re giving him something to look forward to while triggering his hero instinct – for which you can express your appreciation (we love that). 

In other words:

Instead of the usual movie date, make your man feel excited for something new where he feels like he’s providing for you.

3.  The “I Owe You” Signal

Bauer presents this as a smart way to prepare your man for a larger, more “demanding” question from which you will benefit and grow. 

In psychology, it’s called the “foot in the door” technique²:

You prime someone for a bigger request by having them agree to a smaller request first.

Below is an example of the “I Owe You” in action:

In this example, Samantha uses the technique to propose exploring new date spots together to keep things fresh and exciting. 

This would work for me because it’s an approach of reason.

If she told me that she found our current spots boring, I think I’d be more turned off at her lack of appreciation and gratitude, even if I felt the same way inside.

But by reminding me of the fact that I’m naturally an explorative person, I’d be more inclined to agree to get out of my comfort diners and try something new with her. 

Similarly, the author goes in-depth with examples of other “signals” like:

• The “X-ray question.”
• The “ex-back” signal
• The “glimpse” phrase
• The “damsel in distress” signal
• The secret “currency” of happy relationships
• The “silent action” signals
• The “fascination” signal

Each signal comes with its own words, phrases, and text messages.

They’re more like “templates” that you can adjust for different relationship situations. 

My favorite thing about these signals is that they're subtle enough that they can be easily woven into a conversation without him even realizing you're triggering his hero instinct.

This program, delivered as an eBook, was structured and written by James Bauer, a relationship coach and dating expert with decades of experience. 

He studied evolutionary psychology, observed romance in various parts of the world, and consoled thousands of women with their relationship problems to build a holistic understanding of what men and women truly want. 

His career as a dating coach quickly rose to new heights with word-of-mouth fame because people liked what he preached.

There was truth to it.

After seeing some critical commonalities in broken relationships over the years, he gathered all his findings.

He packed them into this full-fledged eBook that has now helped thousands (based on the reviews I’ve seen). 

So from a credibility standpoint, I think the author knows what he’s talking about from tried-and-true strategies and scientific research.

I’ve done some digging on Google, and the search results are filled with reviews of the eBook – that’s a sign that many people have read it and are talking about it (in a positive light, it seems).

His Secret Obsession has averaged a 4.2/5 rating on Goodreads,³, with over 50 ratings and 5 positive written reviews. 

I think it’s safe to say that this book is well-received and liked for its content.  

His Secret Obsession is a comprehensive, actionable, and research-backed guidebook for navigating your relationship, written by an experienced relationship coach. 

The core ideas entail how to trigger the hero instinct in every man through various techniques and phrases – which the book dives deeply into.

If you want to check it out, click the button below: