His Secret Obsession By James Bauer Book Review (Update 2022)

Updated August 7, 2023

My Verdict

His Secret Obsession is a popular program for women who want to make their men fall in love all over again and build a sustainable future with them.

It’s insightful with many real-life examples, backed by scientific research, and written by an experienced dating coach who has helped thousands of women maintain happy relationships.

Read my full & honest review below, where I also share a glimpse of what kind of advice you can expect from the book.

*Purchase includes an unconditional 60-day money-back guarantee.

You know that spark when you lay your eyes on him?

That spark turns to flirty conversation, butterflies in the stomach, dinner, and the rest is history. You guys live happily ever after… for 3 months. He lost interest.

And just like that, you also know the feeling of heartbreak. But why? 

That’s what James Bauer answers in his book His Secret Obsession, where he reveals the true secret to any man’s heart (the hero instinct).

What Is His Secret Obsession?

It was created by best-selling author James Bauer.

His Secret Obsession gives women the essential tools they need to stay in a committed relationship with the person they love.

According to Bauer, his background in psychology and experience as a marriage counselor helped him develop this irrefutable romantic guide.

You will get a 217-page book, a workbook, and bonuses.

This will help you create the deepest and most powerful love (the love you deserve) even in the most “hopeless” situation.

The main highlight of His Secret Obsession is teaching women about a man’s Hero Instinct and how to flip the secret trigger in his heart.

The Hero Instinct refers to a man’s need to live a meaningful life, the inner drive to help others, and the urge to feel respected.

Knowing about a man’s hero instinct and how to use it to your advantage is incredibly advantageous.

Because men are ultimately drawn to women who make them feel like a hero.

If a man doesn’t feel his Hero Instinct when he’s with women, he will lose interest.

In short, His Secret Obsession is a practical blueprint to help a woman learn how to use a man’s Hero Instinct to make him want her.

It doesn’t only discuss the concept in theory but also includes the exact scenarios, phrases, words, and texts to win the love of a man, bring back the intimacy of any relationship, and ensure faithfulness.

Because His Secret Obsession can be purchased as a soft copy, women can read it anytime, anywhere.

Who Is His Secret Obsession For?

Bauer makes it clear that it’s for those who are sick of the dying flames with every man you’re interested in.

You’ll get the most value from "His Secret Obsession" if you fit the following description: 

  • You’re tired of the neglection, dry texts, and ghosting.
  • You’re at a loss for what you’re doing wrong, having tried “everything.”
  • You’re suffering from low self-esteem and confidence issues as a result.

This book does an excellent job of highlighting men’s true desires and shows how you can learn to use them to capture their love and affection without being off-puttingly obvious.

So let’s get down and dirty with the book review so you can decide if it’s worth your time.

Quick Pros & Cons

After giving it a thorough read, I think these are the top advantages that this book has to offer:

  • It’s comprehensive & research-backed. This isn’t some flimsy 20-pager with 90% fluff like many eBooks these days. The author took his time providing anecdotes, real-life examples, and reasonable explanations backed by psychological research. His arguments were more compelling this way.
  • It offers actionable examples & phrases you can use right away. Alongside what you should or shouldn’t do, you’ll learn the exact phrases, texts, and behaviors you can employ to steal a guy’s heart. 
  • It’s not just a relationship book. It’s a psychology guide. I’ve learned some exciting things about human behavior that don’t just pertain to relationships. For example (in Module 4), I read that humans typically enjoy the anticipation of an event more than actually experiencing it 1– and the author also used this to explain depression. 
  • Easy to download + money-back guarantee. Everything ran smoothly in the purchasing and delivery experience, and you get instant access to the eBook. The author allows you to get a refund on the book if it doesn't meet your expectations.

While His Secret Obsession was a smooth and insightful read for me, it doesn’t come without its drawbacks.

  • Not very skimmable. The points are interconnected or built up, so it’s important to read everything to connect the dots and holistically capture Bauer’s lessons.
  • Has some “traditional” assumptions. James assumes that every man wants to feel like the hero. I think it’s important to recognize everyone is different, and you should consider your partner’s self-image to make sure they want to feel this way. Otherwise, you’re forcing something not there, which can counter-affect your relationship or leave things stagnant.

His Secret Obsession Price & Where To Buy

His Secret Obsession costs $47 (76% off promo until further notice) and it includes a 60-day money-back guarantee.

You can buy it on the His Secret Obsession website.

What’s Inside His Secret Obsession?

His Secret Obsession is written in a way that’s easy to comprehend to ensure its readers can understand the actionable tips and strategies in no time.

Some of the details inside the His Secret Obsession ebook include:

The Hero Instinct Foundation

Here, the author highlights that men need to be treated as heroes and that women can use this to their advantage.

A woman who taps into this psychology can make him fall in love with her or save her dwindling relationship.

By becoming/posing as a “damsel in distress,” men can feel like they are everyday heroes.

Bauer also focuses on teaching women how to send distress messages to ensure a man gives her attention.


One of the best things about His Secret Obsession is it doesn’t just heavily rely on the concept of the Hero Instinct but also ways for women to tap into it.

It includes proven tips and strategies to keep men contented and curious, which can help them build, develop, maintain, or improve their romantic relationships.

The Stage Attraction

According to Bauer, men are drawn to women who need protection.

The e-book offers tips and tactics you can use in the initial stages of a relationship to help a man develop his feelings for you.

The Date Collapsing

His Secret Obsession is not just for women who want to develop a relationship with a man.

It can also be for someone who noticed that their man is losing interest.

Bauer shows effective methods to help you reverse a breakup and provides information on how you can make a man reveal his feelings instead of ending the relationship.

The Revival Stage

It’s not just men who lose their interest in relationships.

Women experience the same thing as well.

The Revival Stage is a section of His Secret Obsession that helps women to regain their charm, which can help rekindle the relationship.

If you know how to work through the revival stage, you will radiate love.  

The Return Store

This book segment helps women start a new romantic relationship or “rebound.”

It includes psychological lessons that can motivate women to be in a love story once more.

His Secret Obsession Course Format

His Secret Obsession comes in a PDF form, so readers can simply download it on their phone, laptop, or tablet.

The book is straightforward, and the tips are easy to follow.

The course is divided into three sections.

This includes:

  • The main program
  • 7-day workbook
  • Guide to writing text messages

5 Takeaways From His Secret Obsession (To Give You A Taste)

At its core, Bauer iterates that men have a hero instinct – which he lists as three drives:

  1. a drive for meaningful achievement
  2. the drive to be a provider
  3. and the drive to be recognized and respected for it.

As a man, I can vouch for this idea.

Since I was old enough and started making money, I’ve always felt an innate responsibility over my loved ones.

Like they should be protected under my wings.

Even as a kid, I imagined myself in hypothetical scenarios where I’d take down the assailant at my school lockdowns or rescue my crush during the fire alarms.

So it does seem to be a deep-buried biological drive for men.

James breaks his book into two parts:

  • Part I: How the hero instinct works
  • Part II: How to use the signals (phrases + questions to use)

He essentially dedicates the modules to how you can feed this innate desire for heroism.

I like that Bauer summarizes his advice into listicles or bullets, which helped me identify the key takeaways.

Here he outlines what a woman does to maintain a successful and long-lasting relationship:

A nice thing I’ve also noticed is that Bauer calls on familiar and relatable examples like movie scenes from Saving Private Ryan to make his points (like above). 

Captain Miller was seriously injured when he was tasked with bringing Ryan home from the war.

In his dying breath, he made Ryan promise that he’d lead a productive and impactful life – this is something Ryan would remember and try to live up to forever. 

Bauer exemplified how Ryan’s wife helped him with the fear of not living up to Miller’s wishes by providing constant reassurance and validation, which was the key to Ryan’s self-satisfaction. 

That is to say, your opinion of your partner’s accomplishments goes a long way.

After all, women are often the only people we vulnerably confide in.

Not our boys. Not our parents. And most of us don’t have therapists. So, your word matters.

Below are some examples to give you an idea of the advice you could expect from His Secret Obsession.

1. The “Private Island” Signal

Bauer makes the point that you need to make your man feel like he’s the only one you can trust and depend on (triggering the hero instinct) as if you both were on a deserted island working to survive – where he hunts and kills for you. 

Bauer advises increasing proximity between the man and woman in the real world by “tapping into the things he is already fascinated with”.

One of the things men feel fascinated by is, you guessed it, being someone’s hero. 

The author provides some practical lines at different intensities, from asking what to get your brother for Christmas (to get input on what guys like) to asking him to hang out at the apartment while some guy off Craigslist comes to pick something up.

As a man, both of those small questions would make me feel like my opinion, and physical presence are valued and desired.

I would happily oblige to the small favors and spend time with her (which is your goal) when I see that she recognizes and appreciates my masculinity and that it’s helping her materially. 

2. Building Relationship Momentum

In Modules 7 and 8, Bauer explains that the secret currency to a happy relationship is progress and appreciation to bring feelings of meaning and purpose.

The author advises that women talk to their partners and develop a shared goal that allows them to provide, then tie themselves and the relationship to the outcome. 

In the book, Bauer gives the example of suggesting travel.

This is good because we’re naturally more protective in a foreign environment.

We’d pay for the dinners and hotel and are usually the guide for navigational purposes.

If your man wants to travel and learn more about the world, now you’re giving him something to look forward to while triggering his hero instinct – for which you can express your appreciation (we love that). 

In other words:

Instead of the usual movie date, make your man feel excited for something new where he feels like he’s providing for you.

3.  The “I Owe You” Signal

Bauer presents this as a smart way to prepare your man for a larger, more “demanding” question from which you will benefit and grow. 

In psychology, it’s called the “foot in the door” technique2:

You prime someone for a bigger request by having them agree to a smaller request first.

Below is an example of the “I Owe You” in action:

In this example, Samantha uses the technique to propose exploring new date spots together to keep things fresh and exciting. 

This would work for me because it’s an approach of reason.

If she told me that she found our current spots boring, I think I’d be more turned off at her lack of appreciation and gratitude, even if I felt the same way inside.

But by reminding me of the fact that I’m naturally an explorative person, I’d be more inclined to agree to get out of my comfort diners and try something new with her. 

Similarly, the author goes in-depth with examples of other “signals” like:

  • The “X-ray question.”
  • The “ex-back” signal
  • The “glimpse” phrase
  • The “damsel in distress” signal
  • The secret “currency” of happy relationships
  • The “silent action” signals
  • The “fascination” signal

Each signal comes with its own words, phrases, and text messages.

They’re more like “templates” that you can adjust for different relationship situations. 

My favorite thing about these signals is that they're subtle enough that they can be easily woven into a conversation without him even realizing you're triggering his hero instinct.

4. What Is The 'Hero Instinct'?

A man's hero instinct doesn’t necessarily mean that your man wants to be the next Superman. It’s something primal and rooted in every man’s character.

Think about it: what motivates a man to do what he does? 





While all these are true, men crave something more powerful: their hero instinct.

When you know to trigger the inner hero, it can be more powerful than popularity, food, money, and sex combined. 

This is the ultimate key to making a man want to commit FOR LIFE.

According to James Bauer, this term refers to a man’s biological drive to want to earn a woman’s love.

Any man wants to protect those he cares about.

If he does this, he feels like a hero.

Moreover, the hero instinct suggests that all men want to feel appreciated, needed, and respected. 

Lastly, he wants to provide for the people he loves.

When he sees a woman who needs his help, his hero instinct will kick in.

Women who know how to tap into this innate instinct can quickly help boost any man’s self-confidence. It will motivate a man to explore his connection with a woman.

When you awaken a man’s burning desire for you, he’ll want to be your hero every single day.

On the other hand:

If a woman doesn’t know how to tap into a man’s hero instinct, no matter how smart, beautiful, kind, and successful she is, men will still feel like something is missing from her.

If a man’s hero instinct is not triggered, he will feel resentment, frustration, and inadequacy.

This will drive him to find someone else who knows how to trigger it.

And by the time he finds that person, he will be so interested in her that he won’t even know he’s falling in love.

5. James Bauer’s 12-Word Text

Can something as easy as a 12-word text transform your love life?

This may seem like a shot in the dark, but it’s true.

The 12-word text was presented in the His Secret Obsession book through “Rachel.”

Think of Rachel as every woman you know who wants to be in a relationship.

This person always meets amazing guys, but their love for her turns cold after a few months. Whenever a guy pulls away from her, she wonders what she did wrong.

Undoubtedly, everyone has been in the same situation as Rachel.

Instead of telling Rachel she can do better, Bauer teaches her the 12-word text message strategy.

This may seem like a simple technique, but it can trigger a man’s hero instinct in ways you never thought were possible.

This “secret signal” can be sent as a text, a message on Facebook, or even Instagram.

A 12-word text expresses your need for a man’s protection and help. It is designed to let a man feel needed. More importantly, it presents an opportunity for him to be a hero.

After sending this text, you’ll start to notice the man you like will be warmer to you.

You’re probably wondering: what is it?

What are the 12 magic words I can text the man I like?

Due to the intellectual property of James Bauer, this is something I can’t disclose.

You have to read the His Secret Obsession book to discover those little words that can transform your life.

About The Author: James Bauer

This program, delivered as an eBook, was structured and written by James Bauer, a relationship coach and dating expert with decades of experience. 

He studied evolutionary psychology, observed romance in various parts of the world, and consoled thousands of women with their relationship problems to build a holistic understanding of what men and women truly want. 

His career as a dating coach quickly rose to new heights with word-of-mouth fame because people liked what he preached.

There was truth to it.

After seeing some critical commonalities in broken relationships over the years, he gathered all his findings.

He packed them into this full-fledged eBook that has now helped thousands (based on the reviews I’ve seen). 

So from a credibility standpoint, I think the author knows what he’s talking about from tried-and-true strategies and scientific research.

What Are others Saying About The Book?

I’ve done some digging on Google, and the search results are filled with reviews of the eBook – that’s a sign that many people have read it and are talking about it (in a positive light, it seems).

His Secret Obsession book has averaged a 4.2/5 rating on Goodreads3, with over 50 ratings and 5 positive written reviews. 

I think it’s safe to say that this book is well-received and liked for its content.  

Alternatives To James Bauer’s His Secret Obsession:

Are you driven to find the right man for you?

If so, here are some of the best alternatives to His Secret Obsession.

These books were created to help women succeed in their love life.

The Devotion System by Amy North

This relationship guide offers excellent advice on finding and nurturing a loving and healthy relationship.

You can use this book whether you’re still sending your first text with a guy you like, celebrating your first anniversary, or your first decade together.

The Devotion System is based on male psychology and Amy North’s real-world experience that has cemented her as one of the most successful relationship coaches today.

It also heavily emphasizes self-improvement, which can do wonders in building a positive relationship.

How to Attract Men: Dating Advice for Women by Abigail Johnston

If you’re like most women, you’ve probably spent hours of your life looking through magazine pages to decipher what makes men like women, and you always see generic and cliché tips.

This book is anything but that.

The main goal of How to Attract Men: Dating Advice for Women by Abigail Johnston is to help women:

  • find out what men desire from them
  • how to get their attention
  • how to maintain their mystery
  • and most importantly, how to use their feminine charm to become more irresistible.

This book is perfect for women who want to settle down with a high-quality man.

It also contains a checklist of Mr. Right, techniques to eliminate bad boys from your life, and many more.

Show Up: Finding Love for Independent Women by Christine Chang

Many successful women wonder if there’s something wrong with them because, despite nailing their careers, they are still struggling in their love life.

An independent woman can sometimes be seen as intimidating to others.

When this type of woman experiences heartbreak, it can take a toll on her confidence and make her feel like a failure.

If this sounds like you, you’ll love this book.

Show Up: Finding Love for Independent Women by Christine Chang highlights that nothing is wrong with you, but you need to do some things to meet your best match.

Text Chemistry by Amy North

Texting and messaging is a huge part of finding the one, especially in today’s hyperconnected world.

This book is a dating program that includes the main book, a video series and bonus material.

This is a perfect resource for women who want to learn how to communicate better.

This is for you if:

  • you want to flirt with a guy and turn him into your boyfriend
  • make your partner see you as someone interesting
  • rekindle your love with an ex
  • or bring back the love of a man who is losing interest

Text Chemistry will reveal the exact messages you can send to guys that will make them reply to you in an instant.

Amy North also wrote clear instructions on when and how to use the messages in various situations.

This is useful if someone is ignoring your text if you recently broke up with someone you love, if you want to be more seductive, and many more.

Wrapping Things Up

His Secret Obsession is a comprehensive, actionable, and research-backed guidebook for navigating your relationship, written by an experienced relationship coach. 

The core ideas entail how to trigger the hero instinct in every man through various techniques and phrases – which the book dives deeply into.

If you want to check it out, click the button below:

About the author 


Sebastian loves analyzing statistics about anything that has to do with the dynamics in a love relationship. He enjoys researching why people behave the way they do (and drinks horrendous amounts of coffee when he's in the zone).

He uses his knowledge to help couples in troubled relationships reconnect with their partners and create a perfectly imperfect relationship.

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